Dear Driver,

If you are waiting on my parking space, you need to wait for me to safely load and buckle my three children in my car. Stop honking. Stop gesturing. Stop tapping your watch.

Stop being a jack-o-loser.

Find another parking spot, or put on your blinker, put your car in park and chill the heck out.

Yes, I have a stroller that takes me several tries to fold. I do in fact plan on transferring all $200 of my groceries from my cart to my car. Call me crazy, but since I bought them I want to bring them home. Yes, my toddler may have a diaper that needs changing, or a thirst that needs quenching, or a song that needs finding.

Sometimes it will appear that I am ready to back out, but then a child’s need will provoke a cruel “fake out.” The brake lights may come on and I might have to run around to other side of the car to sort out a seat belt.

This is not done purposely to make you late or disrupt your life. I’m just living mine like the breeder I am.

After I finally begin to back out and give you your highly-anticipated space, please refrain from yelling or mouthing rude words or performing any obscene gestures. I must keep my own language and behavior rated for general audiences, so your one-sided rumble is a wimp move.

Remember: there’s a good chance that my minivan has a DVD player inside. Screw with me and I’m liable to pull back into the space, open up that newly-purchased Pirate’s Booty and settle us all in for The Sound of Music.

The 45th Anniversary version.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen,
The mom who didn’t give you the finger in the Whole Foods parking lot

Does this happen to you in crowded parking lots? With three kids in a metro area, it happens to me all the time. I feel like mooning them. What do you do?

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