A few weeks ago I posted some Momfinitions as part of the Nickelodeon Parents Connect & TwitterMoms contest to find funny phrases that reflect the reality of parenting.

And holy cow, I was chosen as the winner of the funniest Momfinitions.

I think it’s all the hilarious comments and emails that I receive daily from you guys, my fellow parents that read APISS. You all have me in stitches every day, and your funny is rubbing off.

Here were my Momfinitions – each entrant was asked to submit five:

Dine-and-diss: 1)When a parent lovingly makes a meal for her child, only to have said child completely reject the meal; 2) Although you have taught your child mealtime manners, child still loudly says ‘It’s yucky!’ when presented with food as a guest in another home or family function. I was so embarrassed, at my mother-in-law’s this weekend Charlie did a total dine-and-diss.

Disaster relief: FEMA-worthy work provided by that rare soul who stays and assists with toy cleanup at the end of a playdate hosted at another parent’s home. I love Leticia, she always provides disaster relief at the end of playgroup.

Peenial: A child’s blatant denial of her need to urinate. “Do you have to go to the bathroom, we’ll be on the road awhile?” “No Mom, I just went.” Honey, Eve is in total peenial, we’ll be stopping at an Exxon before we’re out of town.

Screamapillar: A very hungry baby swaddled in a receiving blanket, crying for mama and milk. Sorry Sarah, got to go and get the screamapillar out of the crib. [Full disclosure: This is a Simpsons character and the use in reference to a baby must be credited to my brother-in-law George, who is funnier than Seinfeld and needs his own show STAT, top federal security clearance or no.]

Momup: As opposed to makeup or a pretty getup, momup is a smattering of fast grooming passes and clothing grabs performed in a meager attempt to look presentable before heading to school drop off or other function. Usually momup is donned when in need of a shower and is a look you would never have tried to pull off before procreating. I can’t believe I ran into my old boss in momup, thank goodness we didn’t chat for long.

But I’m not the only winner here. As promised, I have a free Scholastic book for FIVE of you guys that left comments on my Momfinitions post. I said that I’d pick the funniest, but all submissions were so dead-on on the trials of mommyhood that I simply used Random.org to randomly choose the five. [Fun fact: Leticia of Tech Savvy Mama is featured in my own Momfinitions, inspired by our history as playgroup buddies, and she’s an APISS winner as well.]

The five APISS winners are:

Steph: The Fred Flinstone – This is what we use to discribe the tantrum that Joey throws when he doesn’t get to watch another show, has to go to bed, didn’t get the color spoon he wanted, etc.

Joanna: Nanxiety and/or Waitlistophobia – The irrational and unrealistic fear and obsession induced by the frantic and neverending nanny/daycare and/or preschool search the weeks prior to working mother’s return to work. Frequently accompanied by physiological symptoms such as headache, sweating, palpitations, hypertension, loss of sleep and spousal tension which in some cases lead to fatigue or even exhaustion. May or may not lead to proliferation and multiple telephone conversations with other moms about safety, boundaries, honesty, trust, seperation anxiety, stranger anxiety, etc. etc. “I have to go home, nobody is answering the phone and I think I’m having a nanxiety attack.” “I know there are $50 checks written to every daycare in the county this month, honey, it’s just my waitlistophobia.”

Margy: Table whine – This is what we call that whininess that we get as we sit down to dinner. It definitely includes the dine-and-diss, but also generally covers any crankiness, such as the drama that accompanies a parental request for a child to get something from the kitchen. The effects of “table whine” agre greatly diminished by table wine.

Leticia/Tech Savvy Mama: Crankenstein– The terrifyingly cranky monsters that children turn into when they are super starved or overly tired. Most commonly spotted between the hours of 3-6 pm. “I hope Daddy comes home soon to relieve me of the two Crankensteins inhabiting our house!”

Eileen McNelis: Crankasaurus Rex – Oh, you thought dinosaurs were extinct? Nooooo way! This species is alive and kicking (and whining and yelling)-especially at the end of the day or right before nap time. My 3 1/2 year old son could make any t-rex hide in fear with his Crankasaurus Rex impersonation.

Congrats to you guys – as promised, please choose the Scholastic book of your choice for your child (valued up to $7) and I’ll send it to you as my thanks for your inspiration and humor.

And thanks to Nickelodeon Parents Connect’s Momfinitions and TwitterMoms for the laughs!

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