I was recently chatting with a young single friend of mine, and I shared with her my belief that failed vamps are the best kind.

My vamp theory: Straight, middle-class woman, usually right before they meet their husbands, attempt a maneater phase. This period of time is characterized by the woman’s lightbulb realization that if a guy is not going to make an effort, he’s not worth her effort, a surge in self-confidence and a marked diminishment in what other people think.

And while some women excel at Jackie Collins meets Carrie Bradshaw liberation, there are others who can only be described as vamp failures.  Failed vamps are my sisters.

Failed vamps….

Cannot bring themselves to hook up with the Daniel Craig lookalike who wonders if California has more U.S. Senators than Hawaii.

Believe their personal trainer is asking them to dinner to track their evening calories consumed.

No matter how hot the guy, refuse to renege on prior plans with female friends.

Refuse dalliances with friends’ exes.

Refuse dalliances with their own exes (mostly).

Store their purses in the dustbags.

Feel a psychic connection with Lily Bart.

Do not believe in dating men with more than a seven years age difference in either direction.

When dumped over text or e-mail, rant to friends but send studied one-word replies such as “Weak” or “Adios.”

Are horrified when they forget their credit card behind the bar.

Ask to borrow a t-shirt and boxers.

Set their cell phone alarms to ring before the freeway carpool and parking permit restrictions take effect the morning after.

Invite their cute co-worker to their house party and are too busy mixing drinks to keep him from their roommate’s advances.

When their high school boyfriend is in town for a grad school interview, allow him to stay at their place but make up a bed for him on the couch.

Believe their engaged male colleague who asks them to the movies is simply seeking a popcorn buddy.

Have extra earring backs in their jewelry boxes.

Do not answer casual male acquaintances’ texts after ten, but cheerily reply the next morning.

Used to smoke but gave it up after the forced abstinence of having their wisdom teeth removed.

Even when everyone they know is attending the wedding of their ex-boyfriend, check the “regrets” box on the wedding invitation reply envelope and send it in promptly, along with a small item from the online registry.

Meet new guys at parties and invite them to join their Race for the Cure team.

Make their move on long-standing crushes by offering a ride home after group outings.

Own a single cat named after a literary character or college mascot.

Have experienced being the most attractive girl in the room.

Have experienced being the least attractive girl in the room.

After men pay for dinner, insist on picking up the check for drinks after.

Wish Austenland were a real vacation destination.

Send thank you notes.

Binge fast-forward through The Office for the Jim-Pam scenes.

Secretly believe that sex really is a big deal.


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